I always swore to myself that my posts, and emails, etc... wouldn't be an obsessive amount of ramblings about my pregnancy. I was never the the type of person to "count the days", or really cherish many little sentimental moments of any kind. Some may see this as a sickness, I wouldn't know what to call it... I simply don't get very sentimental-- about anything!
But today, I woke up in a hormonal stew, and sat pouting on my sofa. The perfect time for me to open my journal and try to complain. As I began to write, the Lord really began to weigh in some reality on my heart. So, today I KNOW that God is so good, and to NOT share this pregnancy story with you would be a "cryin'" shame! (ACK!!)
So- for probably the ONLY time- I will share my journal in public, here is today's entry (with computer spell check and edits of course :) :
January 20th, 2012
"On December 1st, I found out I was pregnant. My family cried and screamed with glee, as I masked a smile and waded through the puddle of mixed emotions. Whether or not I wanted this pregnancy, it was now officially mine.
On January 3rd I conquered on of my many pregnancy fears: the doctor visit. Hearing the baby's heartbeat was supposed to make it feel more real, and for a split second, my heart did jump. But the most REAL feeling for me was the constant hunger, the incessant nausea, and my already changing figure. My energy level was non-existant, and my productivity was gone. I would've been pleased if I had at least known my brain was sharp and active, but everyday it became apparent that even it had lost it's edge.
So this is what babies do? They bring joy to everyone around you, while you're perpetually making rushed visits to the bathroom!
On January 9th was my ultrasound. I brought home 3 little pictures of what was very clearly a baby. I was 11 1/2 weeks. This dose of news brought some fresh air to my lungs. 3 months, 4 pounds gained, 61 days of nausea had already passed. I was nearing the end of the first trimester. BUT...
The due date: JULY 31ST
As I sucked down the ketchup, rationalizing how fries really were the healthy choice, I was internally raving. GOD MUST BE DETERMINED TO TAKE AWAY MY BIRTHDAY! For 24 years I have shared a birthday with my sister Hannah, and now doctors are trying to tell me that I will be sharing it with a third person.
So this is what babies do?! I never intended to become completely selfless!
A couple weeks have gone by, and now that the nausea seems to visit less frequently, and my hunger has become a controllable habit, I can sit down and think. Thinking however is forced to come by Spirit alone, because by brain has left me.
Is my due date really intended by God as a cruel joke? Or is God saying 'This is my gift to you.' ? What my silly self has been pouting over isn't the child, but the pregnancy.
In a few short months, motherhood is going to slap me in my already tired face. And God is going to place in my arms, the miracle of a child. One HE formed in MY womb. One HE chose even before I was aware. This isn't just a baby, but he/she is a child of God. And for some insane reason God saw me, a mess of a girl, consumed with her body and her brains, and He saw me as the perfect mother for HIS child.
What do babies do then?
They awaken your eyes to your desperate need for Christ. Before they're even born they force you to die to yourself.
And they bring you the greatest gift of all: A clear example of God's grace and love. God who sees you for who you REALLY ARE and not how you simply APPEAR.
Now, I don't know how this will change my attitude as my bathroom visits increase, but I know now that July 31st, 2012 (without or without the baby's birth) will be the best birthday ever."